What Makes the Perfect Christmas Sweater?
It’s that time of the year when you need an extra layer of clothing to take away the effects of the biting wind and snow. That layer, ideally, should also carry a little hint of festive cheer in bright color and pattern, and be socially acceptable for family party and social event alike. Yes, it’s the Christmas sweater, like an old friend that you haven’t seen for almost a year and only slightly ages every time you meet up again.
Here’s our official guide to what makes the perfect festive sweater and have yourself a Merry Little Christmas, by ticking off each of these requirements:
Wool
Mandatory – and not just any wool. It needs to look about an inch thick and weigh about 7 kilos, created from a totally un-rippable and un-creasable material that’s tougher than two-week old turkey. In an ideal world it should be able to repel red wine and Boxing Day curry, and disguise wearers’ figures ranging from scrawny to supersized.
Limited colours
Three maximum please, and don’t fall into the ‘red and white’ only colour-blind trap. Black is stark and striking, green is homely, and even grey and beige are allowed. Two colours with a different third colour of collar is fine.
Some form of animal
There is scope for choice here – your options are:
1) A giant, central behemoth such as a reindeer or cat, which looks awesome from distance but crudely rendered upon closer inspection.
2) A repetition of smaller identical animals running horizontally across shoulder and abdomen. Eyes and defined faces are optional. Some will trudge in a grim procession in single file, others will be facing one another as if staring for hope in their counterpart’s blank expression.
Some form of pattern
The chunkier the better, as if a Commodore 64 graphic has come to life and splattered itself and its brethren across your chest. Stars, squares, diamonds and snowflakes are all welcome.
Jagged holly bushes, fearsome rhomboid crackers, clunky trees and anything in between should also be embraced. This collection of classic on Pinterest features all of the above.
A few words
No need to go overboard with this. A simple ‘Merry Christmas’ works (as does ‘Meowy Christmas’ for cat fans), as does ‘Ho Ho Ho’, ‘This Girl Loves Christmas’ and ‘Let it Snow’. It goes without saying that the letters will be stocky and blocky, with no frills.
The discerning viewer may be surprised to know that some festive sweaters even exist with profanities on them; judge your crowd carefully.
None of the above
For the mavericks among you – tear up the rulebook. Go for film characters such as Gremlins, Star Wars characters and zombies. Go for moving parts, like these Morph Costume masterpieces, and go for multiple colours, the more the better. Try to find 17 different patterns, all horizontal. And match them up with distinctive and devilish lounge pants for the full effect.
We particularly like these new NBA horror shows, as reported in NESN, which adhere to some of the guidelines above but absolutely slam-dunk others. Whether Kevin Durant would be seen dead in the Thunder sweater is open to debate.
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